His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
