if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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