the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
