Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize