just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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