Ketchup is God's man juice
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
