believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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