VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
