The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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