is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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