someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize