I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
