we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
