Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
