I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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