I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
