I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Never let your siblings swipe right.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
