I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
