saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
