I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
