I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
