You're my little dorito
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
