Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
