She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
