god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
