She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
