Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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