I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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