I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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