woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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