my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
