I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
