At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
