Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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