You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
