Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
