Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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