i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
