very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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