i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm too high and old for this...
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