your thong is hanging out like whoa
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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