The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
that may or may not have been my penis.
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