You're my little dorito
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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