You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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