I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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