I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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