i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
