I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
