You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
