I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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