i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
