Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
