Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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