don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
