I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize