You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
