he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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