So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
