I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
