There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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