Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
