Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
