I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
