Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
