Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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