Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
