Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
