Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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