he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
